Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
