I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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