i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
