She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
