i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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