I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
