just survived the first fart of the relationship.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
