turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
