You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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