so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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