i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
