I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
