oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
