he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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