I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
