Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
