I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
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