you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
