I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
