A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
the gays at disneyland are vicious
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
