I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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