I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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