And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
