I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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