I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
