I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
