What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
