I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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