I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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