I want to make a zoo with you.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
