I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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