I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
