Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
