2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
