I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
