I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
someone threw a dead crab at me
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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