After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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