i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
