haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
