too bad you live with your parents still
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
