We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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