I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
