Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
