im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
why do cheetos always look like penises
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
