I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You need Xanax blowdarts
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
