i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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