If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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