yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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