I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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