Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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