he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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