I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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