I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
