Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
