please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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