girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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