I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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