I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
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