grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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