i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
