He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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