As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
